


Dreaming

by that_sea_sponge



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Castiel Can Hear Longing (Supernatural), Coda, Crying, Dean Winchester Says "I Love You", M/M, Sad and Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:55:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28233528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/that_sea_sponge/pseuds/that_sea_sponge
Summary: Castiel can find a way to reach Dean from The Empty.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 47





	Dreaming

“Alright, there you go, buddy.” Dean directed the golden haired dog to his bed in the corner with a point and a snap. The dog cheerfully did as he was told. He always did. Winchester sighed heavily and gripped the edge of his bed tightly, until his hands turned white and began to tremble. This was the hardest part. The quiet part of the night, when there was nothing else to say or do and no way to distract himself from the empty inside. He sighed and dropped to his knees on the floor, planted his elbow on his bed, and clasped his hands tightly.

“Cas.” Dean’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat self-consciously. “Cas. It’s been two weeks and one day since you...since you left. What were you thinking, man? We need you. I need you. I need you to -” Dean smiled in spite of himself, “Grip me tight and raise me from this. It hurts and it sucks and... find a way back. There has to be a way. There always has been. You’re an Angel, with a capital A.” 

Dean sighed and shook his head. “Anyways, I talked to Sammy about taking an odd job here and there and he was surprised. Said that I’ve never done an honest day’s work in my life and that’s how he liked me. He’s angry too. Please, watch over him. Keep him safe. Don’t let his anger get the best of him because, you know, he’s kinda the best out of the two of us. You promised me you’d take care of him and, dead or not, I’m holding you to it. I...I’ll update you tomorrow night.”

Winchester waited a time, straining his ears for any sound and trying to feel outwards to that ambiguous point in the ether where he could always find Cas if he wanted to. Not Cas exactly, but his presence, his being, his constant reassurance that he existed on some plain and that he had not abandoned Dean, no matter how much of an asshole he was. On his best days, Dean liked to think that he could actually feel a little of what Cas was feeling, even if Cas was feeling angry, or let down again, or confused. On his worst days, Dean knew that Cas was there, ageless and watching. Today, there was nothing. There had been nothing for 360 hours. There will be nothing tomorrow. Dean felt profoundly alone after 12 years of being on an emotional tether.

He sniffed back a quiet sob and unceremoniously thunked himself into the tangled mass of blankets and sheets that were twisted and sideways and couldn’t be bothered to care about the lack of warmth or comfort. It was sleep, mandatory by biology, not by choice. “I don’t have to like it”. Dean saw the dog’s ear perk up at the words. “Not you.” 

The quiet was too loud and too painful. Dean sat up, reached into his bedside drawer, and rummaged for the largest of the pill bottles. He unceremoniously popped the lid and shook a few into his palm. 

“Try to keep it to just a few,” Garth had warned, writing the prescription. “They’re to help you to relax into sleep, not to knock you out.” 

Dean shook a few more into his palm, not counting them. He’d have to have a talk with Garth in the morning about their efficacy and his tolerance. Dean swallowed the fist of pills and lay on his pillow so that he could watch the clock and count the minutes pass.

  


The world was dark. Absolutely dark, as though light had never graced this place. Dean felt the dark and the nothing seemed to permeate into his bones and his soul. “Hello?” Dean turned around and around, at least he thought he did, and could see or hear absolutely nothing. He began to panic and couldn’t seem to catch his breath.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean felt what was left of the wind knock out of him. He swirled around one more time to see the Angel, his Angel, standing near him. Cas’s shoulders were slumped and his hands were buried in his coat pocket. He wasn’t smiling and looked very tired. Dean suddenly didn’t need to breathe. “Cas?”

He rushed and wrapped his arms tightly around the Angel, smiling at the air moving in Cas’s lungs and the beat of Cas’s heart that Dean could feel through in his own chest. Castiel reciprocated the hug and pressed Dean’s head against his shoulder, touching their cheeks together. Dean didn’t want to let go, but eventually Cas did, so Dean was forced to take a few steps back and his feet made no noise.

“The Empty?” Dean wiped a tear he hadn’t noticed from his cheek.

Cas nodded solemnly. “The place where Angels and Demons go when we’re killed so that we sleep forever, always dreaming of our greatest failures. You can imagine that I have a few,” Cas smiled wryly. “Here, we can never hurt anyone else, ever again.”

“Is this real? Or did I take too many pills?”

Cas smiled sadly. “You know it is.”

“How?”

“We angels all have our talents. Anael’s is healing, Zachariah had an affinity for time, mine was always...this,” Cas gestured vaguely around him, “Dreams.”

Dean nodded, remembering the fishing pier from a decade ago. “We never talked about it.”

“We never talked about a lot of things, Dean.”

Dean felt that like a kick to his gut. “How is this possible. Are you alive?”

“No. I’m dreaming. Sometimes, I have moments of...terrifying lucidity though, I think it was an extra ‘screw you’ from the Being that lives here. Imagine being just aware enough that you know you’re in your worst nightmare and knowing that no matter what you do or how much you beg, you know exactly what you’re falling back into.

“You don’t beg.” Dean shook his head, wiping away another tear.

Castiel flapped the pockets of his oversized coat helplessly. “I do here. All the time. How long has it been?”

Dean clenched his fist, blood beginning to boil at the thought of anyone having that kind of power over Castiel. “Just over two weeks.”

The Angel nodded. “As you can imagine, time is different here. It’s been a great deal longer. I heard your prayer Dean. I’ve heard them all.”

“Cas, I-”

“I regret a great many things about my time in your life. I don’t regret saving your life nor do I regret telling you how I feel. I’m sorry that, in doing so, I hurt you...again.” Cas’s features dropped.

Dean reached out and gripped Cas’s face with both hands. “Don’t ever apologize for that. You hear me? I wish you could’ve told me some other way. I wish we’d talked more when we had the chance. I wish I would’ve understood everything sooner.” He searched deeply into Cas’s eyes, to know that Cas both heard and understood everything he was saying, everything he meant. 

Cas’s eyes blurred with tears and he smiled weakly. He chewed, his lower lip, trying to formulate words. Dean ran his thumb against Cas’s bottom lip, rubbing away Cas’s chewing. It was soft, but cold like the rest of this place. 

“You know man, I think it’s a good thing you’re already here.” Without moving his hands, Dean leaned in and pressed his lips against Castiel’s. Dean felt Cas’s cold tears drip against his face, but Dean didn’t release Cas until some of Dean’s warmth was left in his lips.

“Dean.” Cas stood stiffly, more Angelic than he’s seemed in a very long time. “You don’t have to…”

“I never knew, Castiel. You believe me, right? I never knew that you felt how you felt. I always thought, you’d say things or do things that made me wonder, if you really knew what you were saying. If I’d known, I’d have told you, absolutely, that I love you too.”

Cas stumbled backward as though he’d been hit.  
“I love you, Cas. At first I thought it was a side effect of this “thing” that connects us. I thought it was, like, misplaced intimacy. I told myself for over a decade that Angels couldn’t feel the same things. I had a crush on your big blue eyes, and messy hair,” Dean reached up to tussle Cas’s hair, making it stand up. “You were lightning and thunder. The things I saw you do were terrifying...Powerful and, and I think we all fell in love with you a little bit. I thought I was in love with someone who was so far above me, I was lucky you even noticed me. If I had known, if I had the balls to ask, I would have shared my life with you. You get my meaning?” 

Castiel nodded sadly, clutching his coat tightly to his frame.

“My life is nothing but regrets, man. Tell me this isn’t permanent. Tell me this isn’t it between us. There’s got to be a way.”

Castiel shook his head. “I’m sorry Dean. Sometimes. If you’re asleep and I’m aware, sometimes I might be able to reach out.”

“I never want to wake up,” Dean felt his heat leaving his body through his eyes.

“You have to wake up Dean. You have to wake up and live. Find someone else with big blue eyes and messy hair.”

Dean felt his head shake involuntarily.

“No more pills. No more alcohol. No more Winchester courage,” Cas smiled broadly for the first time, “I didn’t die for you to kill yourself, accident or not.” He ticked his head to the left, like he was hearing something. His eyes drooped and his head nodded slowly. When Cas spoke again, his voice was more gravely that usual and he sounded far away. “You know, I used to get so annoyed when you both summoned me all the time. I was busy, but none of it really mattered. I just didn’t know it at the time. I’m so sorry. I wish I’d known how much you were both trusting me.”

It took a few seconds for Dean to cotton onto what was happening. “No, Cas, please don’t dream about that. We understood and were just assholes takin’ it out on you.”

Cas smiled, sleepily. “I’ve always loved you. Not feeling it sooner was...hell. Wake up, Dean. Live.”

  


Dean blinked his eyes, staring at his clock face. He felt like he’d slept a week, but his clock hadn’t ticked a minute forward. It was real. He knew it had been, just like he finally knew what Cas’s lips felt like against his own. His pillow felt damp and he rubbed his nose with the back of his hand. Finally the clock ticked over and he smiled. Dean’s head was noisy, filled with plans of everything he wanted to be able to tell Castiel the next time they spoke.


End file.
